What do we tell our kids? 5 Grounding Principles for Parents
When betrayal enters a family system many parents find themselves asking the same question:
“What do we tell the kids?”
In the deceptive sexuality trauma framework developed by Dr. Omar Minwalla, one of the realities we recognize is that children are impacted by what is happening in the home long before anyone talks about it openly. Kids are observant. Teens are perceptive. They may not know the details, but they can feel the tension, distance, dysregulation, secrecy, conflict, or emotional instability surrounding them. Some extremely perceptive kids can sense the dual reality even before disclosure or discovery.
In having these conversations we should keep in mind that the goal is not to burden children with adult information. The goal is to create emotional safety, honesty, and stability while protecting them from inappropriate details.
Here are five important principles for navigating these conversations with your kids and teens:
1. Tell the Truth Without Telling Everything
One of the most common mistakes parents make is swinging to one extreme or the other:
Saying nothing at all
Oversharing adult information children are not emotionally equipped to process
Children will be harmed by knowing explicit sexual details. They do not need timelines, disclosures, or graphic information. They do need honesty.
Instead of:
“Everything is fine.”
You might say:
“There are some hard things happening between Mom and Dad right now, and we are working through them with support.”
Or:
“There has been some broken trust in our family, and we as the parents are working on addressing it.”
For teens, you can choose to be a little more direct while still maintaining boundaries. This might sound like:
“There has been dishonesty and harmful behavior in the relationship, and we are getting help to navigate it safely.”
Keep in mind that we need to use emotionally truthful language that also matches developmental capacity.
2. Reassure Them That This Is Not Their Fault
Children naturally personalize family distress.
When homes feel emotionally unsafe or unpredictable, kids often internalize responsibility:
“Did I do something wrong?”
“Is this because we fight?”
“If I behaved better would things be okay?”
Even teenagers who may seem unbothered or detaches can quietly carry guilt, confusion, or shame.
Parents should repeatedly and clearly communicate:
This is an adult issue
The child did not cause it
The child is not responsible for fixing it
The adults are responsible for getting help
Simple statements matter:
“None of this is your fault.”
“You are not responsible for taking care of us.”
“The adults are handling adult problems.”
These messages help reduce emotional parentification and anxiety.
3. Do Not Make Children Emotional Caretakers
One of the hidden harms children can experience during betrayal trauma is being pulled into adult emotional roles.
This can look like:
Venting to children about the other parent
Using teens as confidants
Seeking emotional comfort from children
Asking kids to keep secrets
Putting children in the middle of loyalty conflicts
Even subtle comments can create pressure:
“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“You’re the only one I can talk to.”
Kids need to be kids.
Teens may seem mature enough to handle some adult conversations, but emotional overexposure can create long-term confusion, hypervigilance, anxiety, or role reversal.
Support should come from:
Therapists
Coaches
Support groups
Trusted peers
Not from children.
4. Regulate Before Having Conversations
Children often absorb how something is communicated more than the words being said.
If a parent is dysregulated, enraged, panicked, dissociated, or emotionally flooded during the conversation, children may walk away feeling unsafe even if the words themselves were appropriate.
This doesn’t mean parents need to be emotionless or perfectly composed. Children can tolerate seeing sadness, grief, or honesty.
But before having conversations about betrayal, it can help to ask:
Am I grounded enough to stay emotionally present?
Can I avoid unloading adult pain onto my child?
Am I prepared for questions?
Can I tolerate my child’s reaction without becoming reactive?
Sometimes putting your child first means waiting until support, regulation, or co-parent planning is in place first before answering questions or engaging in conversation.
5. Keep the Door Open for Ongoing Conversations
One conversation is rarely enough.
Children and teens process betrayal differently over time and at different developmental stages. A younger child may revisit the conversation years later with new understanding and insight. Teens may ask harder questions months after appearing uninterested.
Instead of aiming for a “perfect disclosure conversation,” focus on creating ongoing emotional accessibility.
Try saying:
“You can always come talk to us if you have questions.”
“You don’t have to carry confusing feelings alone.”
“If something feels scary, confusing, or upsetting, we want you to tell us.”
This creates a foundation of safety rather than secrecy.
A Final Note on Self Compassion
Parents navigating betrayal trauma are trying to survive their own pain while simultaneously protecting their children. That is an incredibly difficult position to be in.
You do not have to handle these conversations perfectly to help your children feel safe.
Children are most protected not by perfection, but by:
emotional honesty
appropriate boundaries
regulated caregiving
and adults who are seeking support and accountability.